AT the time of writing, a petition to have Tony Blair stripped of his recent knighthood has been signed by one million people.
And now everyone is saying that, in the face of such huge opposition, Mrs Queen should back down and strip the man of his gong, even before he officially gets it.
Not going to happen, I’m afraid, because a million signatures is nothing.
On the website that’s hosting the anti-Sir Blair movement, more than three times as many people care about getting Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe out of Iran.
And more than a million put their name to a campaign to stop animal abusers from ever owning a pet again.
So the fact is that the anti-Blair movement isn’t getting that much traction at all.
And there’s another problem, too. Because while one million people think His Tonyness is a war criminal who belongs in a prison, not a palace, it’s a fact that everyone else in the country either thinks he should get a knighthood or is so ambivalent they can’t even be bothered to click a box on a website. Something which requires almost no effort at all.
This is what you always have to remember.
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I was very flattered when a million people signed a petition urging the BBC not to sack me, but I always knew at the back of my mind that some 64million hadn’t.
Tony Blair knows this better than anyone, because back in 2002, when he was Prime Minister, more than 400,000 country people marched through the capital protesting about the ban on fox hunting. Which meant that some 59million had stayed at home to watch the footie. And as a result of that, the ban went ahead.
The following year, an even greater number arrived in the capital to complain about Blair’s ludicrous attempts to start a war in Iraq. The police said at least 750,000 attended. The BBC said it was a million. Those who were there said it was more.
Whatever, it was certainly the biggest protest march ever seen in Britain. And what did Blair do? Yup, he ignored it and started the war anyway.
The only realistic way, then, of stopping Blair from getting his knighthood is to have an official referendum on the matter. But after the Brexit debacle, I can’t see that happening any time soon.
So we must face the fact that soon, we will be treated to the revolting spectacle of this awful man taking the knee, not for the good of others, but for his own absurd gratification.
Molly has it figured
A PERSON called Molly-Mae Hague, who appeared on Love Island – which is a TV show, apparently – said this week that if you want something dearly enough and are prepared to put in a shift to achieve it, then you will.
Sound advice, you might think.
But needless to say, a lot of fatsos who spend all day sitting on their arses and eating lard immediately took to social media to say she’s talking nonsense.
BORE BLIMEY MERC
THERE was unconfined delight among volt and amp enthusiasts this week when Mercedes announced that its new electric car had covered the 620 miles from Southampton to Inverness . . . on a single charge.
This is three times farther than a normal electric car can go, and that sounds great. But hang on a minute.
It’s not like this electric car will have been exciting or quick. It’s just a transport device. And if that’s what you need to get all the way across Britain, why would you not use the train?
Because then you could watch a movie or do some work or have some drinks and a nap. The train would be miles faster, too.
And what’s more, you wouldn’t have to sit round, in a Scottish winter, waiting for your batteries to charge themselves up again before coming home.
I’d still take a car over the train if the car was fun. But electric cars never are.
DOC IS WHINE LORD
ONLY 3.4million people tuned in to the latest instalment of Doctor Who.
That’s 5.6million down on the number who watched when the Doc first became a woman. The reason is simple.
Doctor Who is no longer written to entertain or frighten kids. It’s used to lecture them about climate change and corporate greed and all the other go-to storylines in the BBC playbook.
It’s the same thing with just about everything they do these days, from the Six O’clock News to Countryfile.
I watched a charming show by Sir Attenborough this week, about the noises birds and whales make.
It was lovely. Right up to the end, when he played us an old recording of a bird that’s now extinct due to, yes, you’ve guessed it, climate change and habitat loss.
He was listening to a record as he told us that. And so were we. Only ours was stuck.
Clarkson's the problem
SOMERSET locals are spitting tacks, saying that the picturesque Cheddar Gorge is now filled, round the clock, with boy racers zooming around at high speed in their souped-up cars.
And a local climber called Matt Helliker reckons he knows exactly who’s to blame.
“I think Jeremy Clarkson and the Top Gear team, who regularly used the gorge to showcase cars, have something to do with the problem,” he said.
One slight problem with this argument, though, Matt. In all of my time on Top Gear, I never once filmed in the gorge.
Four or five years ago, I went with The Grand Tour but only to stand there eating some cheese.
WHO’S NEXT, CORBS?
FOUR young people were acquitted this week of causing criminal damage, even though they admitted they were involved as the statue of a slave trader ended up in Bristol Harbour.
They argued the statue itself was a “hate crime” and, obviously, the jury agreed with them.
This, of course, means the statue of Sir Winston Churchill which stands in London’s Parliament Square will soon be at the bottom of the Thames. And that there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop that happening.
And then what?
There’s no doubt the Bible has some strong things to say about homosexuality, which means the existence of churches is a hate crime as well.
So if I go into London tomorrow with a wrecking ball and knock down St Paul’s Cathedral, is that OK?
Or what about Jeremy Corbyn? Lots of what he says is hateful, so can I push him in a canal? Let’s hope so.
THERE was much leaping for joy this week when the world of farming was introduced to a tractor that can drive itself.
You simply take it to a field, teach it where the hedges are then leave it to get on with whatever job needs doing.
Lovely. But after the farmer has taken the tractor to the field, and sent it on its merry way, what does he do next? Walk home? Or sit on a fence until it’s finished?
BOXING legend Amir Khan is being investigated by police after footage emerged of him seemingly talking to a camera while he was driving a car.
And this is against the law, is it? Hope not, or it’ll be tricky to make the next Grand Tour show.
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